The black night Stayne, Knave of Hearts makes a pass at Alice and she turned him down. One of the Red Queens little cohorts tells the Queen and then the trouble for Alice begins in the court of Iracebeth, the Red Queen... I ask you tho if Alice had just slept with the Black Knight, think they could have ended the fight without every having to have a champion to fight the Jabbawocky?
I am sure Alice with her new skills would have done so with ease. She could have poisoned him or stabbed him in the back while he was otherwise busy. Then she would not have had to face the dragon, then again .... Knowing how Alice is since she woke up, she may have just went a head, taken out Stayne, then marched bravely on to the battle field to slay the Jabbawocky. *shrugs* That is what I would have done.
I find myself wondering why sex has to complicate things when it can be a useful tool. It can calm an angry heart, it can sooth a battered soul, it can energize a slowing dying relationship, it works off stress, sex can really be useful. We just make it complicated.
NO, now do not start, I am not saying sex should be a casual thing. It should be done with love, compassion, passion, and all those good things. What I am saying is that sometimes, let's face it everyone, angry sex rocks long as you are not hurting the one you love.
If Stayne has been taken out before hand then Iracebeth would have had no one to turn to, I am betting the battle would have been much easier won. Instead she turned him down, had to go hide with the Bandersnatch to get the Vorpul Sword back, then she had to march on to the battle field, think of all the impossible things, (they will be in a different blog post stay tuned) run around, with the help of the Mad Hatter for distraction, Alice then managed to chop the head off the dragon. GO ALICE! See even then before she woke up she had the skills in her! I was just saying that if she had known, had realized in the beginning, what she was capable of the fight would not have been much of a fight at all.....
We have missed our little Alice.. come let's go to Wonderland and see what has happened..... Come on, let's take a walk, and let's dive down the rabbit hole for another glance ....
Things are going great in Wonderland. The white queen has the crown, the mad hatter is mad, all is well that ends well. So snug in her little bed and in her perfect work she goes to bed... Only to wake up and not know where she was or for that matter who she was.
I wonder what went through Alice's mind in those first few minutes she woke up. As she looks around this strange place she has found herself... I wonder if she was scared or curious.
So, she climbs out of the place she woke up and finds clothes that fit her. She finds boots that are perfect for combat and from a letter she learns her name is Alice.... FAST FORWARD a bit... she goes down into the hive and learns she can totally kick ass. Alice is no longer the nice little girl that was oh so sweet and naive. Alice has some wicked skill and she no longer does what they think she should. Alice can now defend herself, and she does readily. She no longer does as she is told in a calm meek manner, she ask then decides if it should be done that way or if she should hit it with a big effin hammer...
Alice is no longer the little door mat but can take the door off at the hinges. I wonder does she feel a sense of accomplishment or just accept it for being the way it is?
I woke up not knowing where I was, I knew who I was but not the where. I went to bed as a 19 year old girl that was oh so sweet and naive ..... Fast Forward a bit.... I am 33, I am no longer meek and mild, I have some wicked skill! I find in myself that I will no longer go along as it has been but I would rather decide to get a big effin hammer or take the door off at the hinges. I found myself in a hive, so to speak, no it does not have zombies but the children as just as bad some days. I found I can totally kick ass and I am ok with that, I feel an sense of accomplishment in myself. I can look back over the last 15 years that I lost and see where I was and where I am. No, I don't know how I made it here but here I am none the less and as I look around at the things I have changed in the last 4 months, the things that I will change in the up coming months, I have decided that this is not such a bad place to be.
A friend once told me I have on blinders for my life, while that is partly true, in a way, all in all I lost my blinders in October and I can see with crystal clarity just how fucked up this was and can be again if I am not on my toes. But ... I have hope. Tomorrow is a new day to make the changes needed slowly but surely ... I have hope because I have some wicked ass kicking skills....
All in all Alice went to bed a little girl woke up a woman with a mission and in the end she survived and has a purpose... I think she can handle that and I know I can...
Down the rabbit hole with no White Rabbit Guide
Down the rabbit hole and a white rabbit in a waist coat was her guide, "we're late, we're late for a very important date" the White Rabbit says to Alice.
What if ..... she fell down this hole with no white rabbit guide? What if... she was just walking around one day, a normal just like any other day, and she just fell down a hole, not having chased the rabbit to it?
That brings me to how I feel today, I feel like I was going along my merry way and fell. I get to my feet, and shakily look around to find that I am alone and there is no one to guide me. No one that knows the lay of the land and how things are, should be, and will be. No one that can offer sage advice to give me a new outlook.
I am better since the trip to the emergency room, my chest still hurts but not to the point of screaming out and crying. I am still tired since I have not rested well in a few nights but *sad smile* that is better than it was.
Jay got a rude wake up call, and tho I am happy that he now sees the light, I am also so very, very, very angry that it took a stranger for him to HEAR what I have been saying for months. He did a call for a retired dr. and this man told my beloved husband that a HUGE part of my problem is stress.. ya think? This angel of a man told my darling husband if he ever wanted me to have half the life I had before FM that he (Jay) would need to take some of my stress or from them sounds of it I was headed for a nervous breakdown.
These are all things I have been saying for months but according to Jay I could not put it in terms he really really understood... I am thinking that it was just the fact he had to hear it from an outsider to believe that his wife is really sick and that it is chronic, there for can't be fixed with just a nap.
I am coming at acceptance I find, slowly but surely. I know that, as I have known for months now, I need to make life-style changes. Every time I try it goes great for a week or so then it all goes back to as it was. Jay's fix was do less for the church. I only go Wednesday nights, and I am kid free them since they have teachers that are not me long as no one gets sick, Sunday mornings, which I teach Sunday school but that is for only an hour, (which I will be giving up come January because my one year term is done, plus, frankly so am I), and Thursday nights is band practice for the kids which means I do nothing for an hour but sit and listen. How can I do less when I love doing these things? When these things are the only part of my life that really make me happy and stress free? This is one of those things that I will walk by faith in and if God really wants me to back away from some of the things I do then he will knock me to my knees.
So other than feeling like I have been hit by a truck, I am ok, I hurt but I have learned to deal with a good deal of pain. I know that I need to make some positive changes and I will, that is my game plan for as soon as I get back on my feet. I know that I am not alone, tho I do not have a guide, this is not a lost land where I can find no one to hold my hand. I know that I am loved by many, and that is a great feeling.
Alice had a guide, as it were, in Wonderland, the White Rabbit, but the question I find myself asking today is: How much stronger would she have been if she had not had one? Would the end of the story have been different if she had to figure it out all on her own?
~Till next time.
"It was only a dream..." Alice said.
Alice looks around and declares that Wonderland was only a dream.
The last several weeks have been so busy for me with no down time. I had a migraine that kept me a slave for a week, then it was a week long revival with my church, then my birthday came and went with no zeal. I finally feel that this week I can rest to catch up as it were, but, I woke up at 4am today with a severe fever and super painful throat, (ie I am sick and I am not a good sick person) then Jay ask if the kids were doing what they need to do as far as school goes. Now I know I should not internalize his statements it was not a "are you fucking up with teaching them" but I have always been the scape goat and I play the part well even when I am unwilling to play it. His statement was more along the lines "Joni, are you OK with this since you have been having more bad days and have been more busy".
The reality is that I am not OK with this, I am tired of homeschooling honestly. After reviewing the options tho it would seem that I have no choice in the matter. James would do OK with day school and be just fine. Jesse would not do so great since he is dyslexic and would struggle badly. They would want to put Jonah in Kindergarten due to his birthday being in October, we did that last year and I will not send him and make him bored. Also if I send them away then I will become a blob, I will do nothing I know this. It would start out as one day a week but with in a couple months it would be everyday that I just don't do anything because I don't have to. Much as I love my mother that is what she is like, she never gets up to do anything and I refuse to be like that. On a good note though the kids are busy and doing as they need to be doing, I reassured Jay last night that they are working a grade ahead in most subjects and that they would be/are fine. This is to big a deal for me to fuck it up, this will impact their whole lives, that in and of itself will keep me doing what I have to do to make sure they have every chance to succeed in life.
That being said I have found that I can't do things like I used to and it is killing me inside. I have been battling depression for 3 weeks now and I am tired of shaking the box hoping, against hope, that I find a new solution in the same jumble of stuff that is in the box. I have had more bad days, I will admit that. I can't find it in me to be as active as I was, or when I do become over active I pay the price ... wondering how much more I will have to pay since I am broken all the way around now. I find myself asking "what if this is as good as it gets?"
On a different note, Jay's computer died yesterday, a relay, or compositor or whatever decided it did not want to play anymore. To keep my sanity I have slaved out my laptop to his monitor, keyboard, and mouse. I will not have my computer at night now which poses an interesting problem since I use it to go to sleep with. This will work till we get him or me a new one, I am pulling for me.
"It was only a dream". Alice later finds that it was not just a dream but memories of a place she has been and things she has done.
I feel like I am walking in a dream, or dreaming of things that were and that will never be again.
Alice and The Hatter...
Alice is the best friend of the Mad Hatter, they complete each other in a way that a spouse or sibling could not. That got me to thinking.....
So let's go to Wonderland again and take a walk. Let's visit the Mad Hatter and let's have a talk with Alice. Down the rabbit hole we go again.
The Hatter and Alice were in love, of that I have NO doubt, but not in love as you would be with a husband or a wife. Not in love as you would be with your brother or sister. Not a lust kind of love. They were in love as only true friends can be. It is such a pure and beautiful thing. It is amazing and oh so very hard to describe. What I think of, when I think of the Hatter and Alice is how very bless they are and they have to know this. They would die for each other, they live for the other, the care and share.
I wish that EVERY person on earth had that. If they did then there would be less hatred, if they had this kind of love, we would see a different world I promise you.
What kind of LOVE? Tell us, tell us! what kind of love is this? Well, let me tell you. It is a pure, simple, give all, take all, forgive all, share all, EVERYTHING kind of love. And the best part in my opinion is there is NO SEX at all... amazing right? But it can happen and I will prove it to you.
I have 4 perfect loves in my life. I do not mean perfect as in we never go around the bend on big freaking fights, hell no, sometimes you have to have a ground zero fight to clear the air, to get back on track. Alice and the Hatter go around sometimes too I am sure because "she can't slay anything and he should put it out of his mind".
Angel is my sister of the heart but is so much more special in so many more ways that my blood sisters. I met her in kindergarten and kept her. We have loved each other for more than 20 years now, if I say for how much more than 20 she may hurt me *laugh*. I think it is a perfect love because we can give and take but still make it back to track somehow and some way... even if it takes a while to get back on path, we make it there and I will always try as long as she does. She knows that no matter what I will always love her, always!
Jr. my darling ... met him in Jr high.... wow that was a while ago. Let's see, he is the brother god should have given me but did not .... Jr. however took it upon himself to fix that so he is with my youngest sister and they have 3 girls between them. I do love this man so very much and he knows no matter what, even now, I got his back.
Paul, my loving tattooed pierced freak! I got him in my early 20's as a gift from God. Wish I could say this was never sexual but ummm he was my kryptonite. Short lived affair turned into a best friend for life. When ever I am flipping out all I have to do is call him and he has always had the no bullshit answers that I need to hear. I love him to bits. There were points in my life that I could not have made it through without him to hold my hand and slap my ass to get me moving again. I know without a doubt there were times in his life that would have been so much harder without me. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and he knows this.
Adam, what shall I say about the new little crab in my life? I have been blessed 3 times with an honest, open, free, pure love so now when a new one shows up I am always hoping it will be a forever kind of thing. Adam is my easy going, emotion catching side. He is the one that I can cry to and not have to put a game face on with, and at this point in my life that is what I need. He is so special and unique. In a matter of just 3 months I love him dearly. I hope that he can handle what it really means to be my best friend because it is for LIFE.... and that does not scare me one bit!
So let's see, it seems like through every part of my life, every phase, there has been someone placed there for me to find and keep. I am so grateful for this, I am so happy that I can love freely and not be condemned for it, because it is free, pure and so needed in this world and in my life!
So the Hatter and Alice are better than any brother and sister combo in the world! They got it right with no sex.. go them! I love my friends with my whole heart and I thank God every night for them.
**Alice and the hatter walk into the sun set holding hands**
"We're the cabbage and kings"
The Walrus said "the time has come my little friends to talk of other things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings and while the sea is boiling hot and weather pigs have wings. Kalu Kala come run away we're the cabbages and kings."
The Walrus and Carpenter were friends, and in this scene the walrus wanted to convince the little oysters to come take a walk with him and his friend. So the walrus talks of "other" things: shoes, ships, sealing wax, cabbages, kings, a boiling sea, and if pigs can fly. If the little oysters had but listened to their mother they would have stayed in bed that day.
So come my little friends and take a walk with me, we too shall talk of many things... Let's return to wonderland for one more story, and we can be the cabbages and kings.
Often I think we look around our snug little bed and tho we are happy we wonder, we muse, we look. Then something comes along as says "come walk with me for a little while what fun we will have". We see our little bed and that the sea is boiling hot, and think maybe pigs do have wings...
So we walk along the path a while and pretend we are the king. We see the sights with wonder lust in our eyes and we do indeed talk of other things. As so often happens tho it is not real, it is an illusion and we are eaten with bread and vinegar .... Kalu, Kala we are the cabbages after all... I wonder if some one would please pass the salt.
If I were a super hero my theme/catch phrase would be "I'm tired".... the path is laid out a head of me and today it is taking all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I did not take this path up at the urging of a "friend" to come walk and talk of other things. I fell down the rabbit hole, I stepped through the looking glass on a winding path.
Today, I feel like the little oysters that went along in all ignorance with the Walrus and in the end were eaten with bread. I feel battered and deep fried. I fell into the boiling sea and then was served with a side order of cheese grits.
I have not the first clue how to sum this up today, other than to wonder...... Alice heard this story from Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb... did she feel sorry for the oysters? or Did she applaud the Walrus for his quick thinking on how to get a great meal? Things that make you go hmmmmm....
And the Mad Hatter says.....
And then the Mad Hatter says to Alice "you've lost your muchness"...
Alice would have to have a friend that was crazy wouldn't she? As I am going more into the world of Alice and Wonderland I am finding things that I love and despise about this girl. I find that she does somethings that make me so happy and other times, in reflection, I just want to smack her ...
In retrospect I am finding things that I love and hate about me, and sometimes I just want to smack myself.
Things lately have been interesting to say the least. I feel as I am traveling down my road that I have lost my "muchness" ... I wonder will I be like Alice and one of my crazy friends will help me find it again? Or is this the part of the road that I must walk alone to regain my lost ground? Or, or, or am I never going to be able to regain my "muchness"? *shakes head* questions questions, the world is full of them and I wish I had all the answers but alas I am just making it up as I go along.
I do not have a friend that can help me regain my muchness, tho they help in so many more ways! I would never trade them but nor would I ever, ever, ever draw them in to the web that I must navigate. It would not be fair, and tho life is not fair, this is my unfairness and they have their own to deal with.
I may never be able to regain my lost muchness but that is OK. I am not unhappy all the time, just now and again, this will get better. I think this is the fork in the road that, by choice I know, I must walk alone. I am ok with that since it will give me the chance to learn more about myself and my limits. I have learned so much in the last 2 months about limits and NO it is not always nice. I am not the kind of person that can be told "hey don't do that, not a good idea" nope, I have to go beat my head against the wall MYSELF, go figure.
I am not in a horrid place tonight just a different new place. I am in a place that is teaching me that the wall is made of brick and my head will give way before it does. I am learning when to put a game face on and when it is ok to just have a "fuckit" day. I am learning when to cry, when to take a deep breathe and scream, which contrary to popular belief, is a great thing to do when the need arises long as you are screaming at an inanimate object. I am learning to respect myself in ways that I did not before, and that is always good.
So maybe wonderland is not a barren wasteland as long as you have some "muchness" and a crazy friend.
