Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Down the rabbit hole with no White Rabbit Guide (10/20/11)

Down the rabbit hole with no White Rabbit Guide 

Down the rabbit hole and a white rabbit in a waist coat was her guide, "we're late, we're late for a very important date" the White Rabbit says to Alice.
 What if ..... she fell down this hole with no white rabbit guide? What if... she was just walking around one day, a normal just like any other day, and she just fell down a hole, not having chased the rabbit to it?
 That brings me to how I feel today, I feel like I was going along my merry way and fell. I get to my feet, and shakily look around to find that I am alone and there is no one to guide me. No one that knows the lay of the land and how things are, should be, and will be. No one that can offer sage advice to give me a new outlook. 
 I am better since the trip to the emergency room, my chest still hurts but not to the point of screaming out and crying. I am still tired since I have not rested well in a few nights but *sad smile* that is better than it was. 
 Jay got a rude wake up call, and tho I am happy that he now sees the light, I am also so very, very, very angry that it took a stranger for him to HEAR what I have been saying for months. He did a call for a retired dr. and this man told my beloved husband that a HUGE part of my problem is stress.. ya think? This angel of a man told my  darling husband if he ever wanted me to have half the life I had before FM that he (Jay) would need to take some of my stress or from them sounds of it I was headed for a nervous breakdown.
 These are all things I have been saying for months but according to Jay I could not put it in terms he really really understood... I am thinking that it was just the fact he had to hear it from an outsider to believe that his wife is really sick and that it is chronic, there for can't be fixed with just a nap. 
 I am coming at acceptance I find, slowly but surely. I know that, as I have known for months now, I need to make life-style changes. Every time I try it goes great for a week or so then it all goes back to as it was. Jay's fix was do less for the church. I only go Wednesday nights, and I am kid free them since they have teachers that are not me long as no one gets sick, Sunday mornings, which I teach Sunday school but that is for only an hour, (which I will be giving up come January because my one year term is done, plus, frankly so am I), and Thursday nights is band practice for the kids which means I do nothing for an hour but sit and listen. How can I do less when I love doing these things? When these things are the only part of my life that really make me happy and stress free? This is one of those things that I will walk by faith in and if God really wants me to back away from some of the things I do then he will knock me to my knees. 
 So other than feeling like I have been hit by a truck, I am ok, I hurt but I have learned to deal with a good deal of pain. I know that I need to make some positive changes and I will, that is my game plan for as soon as I get back on my feet. I know that I am not alone, tho I do not have a guide, this is not a lost land where I can find no one to hold my hand. I know that I am loved by many, and that is a great feeling. 
 Alice had a guide, as it were, in Wonderland, the White Rabbit, but the question I find myself asking today is: How much stronger would she have been if she had not had one? Would the end of the story have been different if she had to figure it out all on her own? 
~Till next time.

It Was Only A Dream... (9/27/11)

"It was only a dream..." Alice said. 

Alice looks around and declares that Wonderland was only a dream. 
 The last several weeks have been so busy for me with no down time. I had a migraine that kept me a slave for a week, then it was a week long revival with my church, then my birthday came and went with no zeal. I finally feel that this week I can rest to catch up as it were, but, I woke  up at 4am today with a severe fever and super painful throat, (ie I am sick and I am not a good sick person) then Jay ask if the kids were doing what they need to do as far as school goes. Now I know I should not internalize his statements it was not a "are you fucking up with teaching them" but I have always been the scape goat and I play the part well even when I am unwilling to play it. His statement was more along the lines "Joni, are you OK with this since you have been having more bad days and have been more busy". 
 The reality is that I am not OK with this, I am tired of homeschooling honestly. After reviewing the options tho it would seem that I have no choice in the matter. James would do OK with day school and be just fine. Jesse would not do so great since he is dyslexic and would struggle badly. They would want to put Jonah in Kindergarten due to his birthday being in October, we did that last year and I will not send him and make him bored. Also if I send them away then I will become a blob, I will do nothing I know this. It would start out as one day a week but with in a couple months it would be everyday that I just don't do anything because I don't have to. Much as I love my mother that is what she is like, she never gets up to do anything and I refuse to be like that. On a good note though the kids are busy and doing as they need to be doing, I reassured Jay last night that they are working a grade ahead in most subjects and that they would be/are fine. This is to big a deal for me to fuck it up, this will impact their whole lives, that in and of itself will keep me doing what I have to do to make sure they have every chance to succeed in life.
 That being said I have found that I can't do things like I used to and it is killing me inside. I have been battling depression for 3 weeks now and I am tired of shaking the box hoping, against hope, that I find a new solution in the same jumble of stuff that is in the box. I have had more bad days, I will admit that. I can't find it in me to be as active as I was, or when I do become over active I pay the price ... wondering how much more I will have to pay since I am broken all the way around now. I find myself asking "what if this is as good as it gets?" 
 On a different note, Jay's computer died yesterday, a relay, or compositor or whatever decided it did not want to play anymore. To keep my sanity I have slaved out my laptop to his monitor, keyboard, and mouse. I will not have my computer at night now which poses an interesting problem since I use it to go to sleep with. This will work till we get him or me a new one, I am pulling for me.
 "It was only a dream". Alice later finds that it was not just a dream but memories of a place she has been and things she has done.
 I feel like I am walking in a dream, or dreaming of things that were and that will never be again. 

Alice And The Hatter... (8/8/11)

Alice and The Hatter... 

Alice is the best friend of the Mad Hatter, they complete each other in a way that a spouse or sibling could not. That got me to thinking..... 
  So let's go to Wonderland again and take a walk. Let's visit the Mad Hatter and let's have a talk with Alice. Down the rabbit hole we go again.
  The Hatter and Alice were in love, of that I have NO doubt, but not in love as you would be with a husband or a wife. Not in love as you would be with your brother or sister. Not a lust kind of love. They were in love as only true friends can be. It is such a pure and beautiful thing. It is amazing and oh so very hard to describe. What I think of, when I think of the Hatter and Alice is how very bless they are and they have to know this. They would die for each other, they live for the other, the care and share. 
 I wish that EVERY person on earth had that. If they did then there would be less hatred, if they had this kind of love, we would see a different world I promise you. 
 What kind of LOVE? Tell us, tell us! what kind of love is this? Well, let me tell you. It is a pure, simple, give all, take all, forgive all, share all, EVERYTHING kind of love. And the best part in my opinion is there is NO SEX at all... amazing right? But it can happen and I will prove it to you.
 I have 4 perfect loves in my life. I do not mean perfect as in we never go around the bend on big freaking fights, hell no, sometimes you have to have a ground zero fight to clear the air, to get back on track. Alice and the Hatter go around sometimes too I am sure because "she can't slay anything and he should put it out of his mind". 
 Angel is my sister of the heart but is so much more special in so many more ways that my blood sisters. I met her in kindergarten and kept her. We have loved each other for more than 20 years now, if I say for how much more than 20 she may hurt me *laugh*. I think it is a perfect love because we can give and take but still make it back to track somehow and some way... even if it takes a while to get back on path, we make it there and I will always try as long as she does. She knows that no matter what I will always love her, always!
 Jr. my darling ... met him in Jr high.... wow that was a while ago. Let's see, he is the brother god should have given me but did not .... Jr. however took it upon himself to fix that so he is with my youngest sister and they have 3 girls between them. I do love this man so very much and he knows no matter what, even now, I got his back.
 Paul, my loving tattooed pierced freak! I got him in my early 20's as a gift from God. Wish I could say this was never sexual but ummm he was my kryptonite. Short lived affair turned into a best friend for life. When ever I am flipping out all I have to do is call him and he has always had the no bullshit answers that I need to hear. I love him to bits. There were points in my life that I could not have made it through without him to hold my hand and slap my ass to get me moving again. I know without a doubt there were times in his life that would have been so much harder without me. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and he knows this.
 Adam, what shall I say about the new little crab in my life? I have been blessed 3 times with an honest, open, free, pure love so now when a new one shows up I am always hoping it will be a forever kind of thing. Adam is my easy going, emotion catching side. He is the one that I can cry to and not have to put a game face on with, and at this point in my life that is what I need. He is so special and unique. In a matter of just 3 months I love him dearly. I hope that he can handle what it really means to be my best friend because it is for LIFE.... and that does not scare me one bit!
 So let's see, it seems like through every part of my life, every phase, there has been someone placed there for me to find and keep. I am so grateful for this, I am so happy that I can love freely and not be condemned for it, because it is free, pure and so needed in this world and in my life!
 So the Hatter and Alice are better than any brother and sister combo in the world! They got it right with no sex.. go them! I love my friends with my whole heart and I thank God every night for them. 

**Alice and the hatter walk into the sun set holding hands**

We're The Cabbages And Kings...(7/27/11)

"We're the cabbage and kings" 

The Walrus said "the time has come my little friends to talk of other things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings and while the sea is boiling hot and weather pigs have wings. Kalu Kala come run away we're the cabbages and kings."
 The Walrus and Carpenter were friends, and in this scene the walrus wanted to convince the little oysters to come take a walk with him and his friend. So the walrus talks of "other" things: shoes, ships, sealing wax, cabbages, kings, a boiling sea, and if pigs can fly. If the little oysters had but listened to their mother they would have stayed in bed that day. 
  So come my little friends and take a walk with me, we too shall talk of many things... Let's return to wonderland for one more story, and we can be the cabbages and kings.
 Often I think we look around our snug little bed and tho we are happy we wonder, we muse, we look. Then something comes along as says "come walk with me for a little while what fun we will have". We see our little bed and that the sea is boiling hot, and think maybe pigs do have wings... 
 So we walk along the path a while and pretend we are the king. We see the sights with wonder lust in our eyes and we do indeed talk of other things. As so often happens tho it is not real, it is an illusion and we are eaten with bread and vinegar .... Kalu, Kala we are the cabbages after all... I wonder if some one would please pass the salt. 
 If I were a super hero my theme/catch phrase would be "I'm tired".... the path is laid out a head of me and today it is taking all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I did not take this path up at the urging of a "friend" to come walk and talk of other things. I fell down the rabbit hole, I stepped through the looking glass on a winding path. 
 Today, I feel like the little oysters that went along in all ignorance with the Walrus and in the end were eaten with bread. I feel battered and deep fried. I fell into the boiling sea and then was served with a side order of cheese grits. 
 I have not the first clue how to sum this up today, other than to wonder...... Alice heard this story from Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb... did she feel sorry for the oysters? or Did she applaud the Walrus for his quick thinking on how to get a great meal? Things that make you go hmmmmm.... 

And The Mad Hatter Says... (7/23/11)

And the Mad Hatter says..... 

And then the Mad Hatter says to Alice "you've lost your muchness"...
 Alice would have to have a friend that was crazy wouldn't she? As I am going more into the world of Alice and Wonderland I am finding things that I love and despise about this girl. I find that she does somethings that make me so happy and other times, in reflection, I just want to smack her ...
 In retrospect I am finding things that I love and hate about me, and sometimes I just want to smack myself. 
 Things lately have been interesting to say the least. I feel as I am traveling down my road that I have lost my "muchness" ... I wonder will I be like Alice and one of my crazy friends will help me find it again? Or is this the part of the road that I must walk alone to regain my lost ground? Or, or, or am I never going to be able to regain my "muchness"? *shakes head* questions questions, the world is full of them and I wish I had all the answers but alas I am just making it up as I go along.
 I do not have a friend that can help me regain my muchness, tho they help in so many more ways! I would never trade them but nor would I ever, ever, ever draw them in to the web that I must navigate. It would not be fair, and tho life is not fair, this is my unfairness and they have their own to deal with.
 I may never be able to regain my lost muchness but that is OK. I am not unhappy all the time, just now and again, this will get better. I think this is the fork in the road that, by choice I know, I must walk alone. I am ok with that since it will give me the chance to learn more about myself and my limits. I have learned so much in the last 2 months about limits and NO it is not always nice. I am not the kind of person that can be told "hey don't do that, not a good idea" nope, I have to go beat my head against the wall MYSELF, go figure. 
 I am not in a horrid place tonight just a different new place. I am in a place that is teaching me that the wall is made of brick and my head will give way before it does.  I am learning when to put a game face on and when it is ok to just have a "fuckit" day. I am learning when to cry, when to take a deep breathe and scream, which contrary to popular belief, is a great thing to do when the need arises long as you are screaming at an inanimate object.  I am learning to respect myself in ways that I did not before, and that is always good. 
 So maybe wonderland is not a barren wasteland as long as you have some "muchness" and a crazy friend.

Alice Cried (7/15/11)

Alice then had a really good cry... 

Alice fell down the rabbit hole/ stepped through the looking glass, warndered around got LOST and saw Wonderland. Alice saw that the cheshier cat had led her astray and then disappeared.  When she stops, really stops, to look around, to take stock of her sitiuation she does what we all do when we see it is hopeless.... she cries.. and I don't blame her tonight at all!

It has been a while since I have posted... and somethings have happened.
In May, when we came home from our mini vacation, I got really sick, and after being in bed for 2 weeks I drug myself to the dr to find out it was Fibromyalgia...
 At first I was just relieved that we have a name for what is wrong with me, I was honestly happy that I had not gone crazy.... I was and am really sick. I think I can honestly say that is when the proverbial shit hit the fan. The ones I count on the most for support and understanding turned on me. Yes, I know they do not feel that way but this is how I FEEL: Betrayed. In the last 2 months I have heard so much negative crap until I am ready to weep. "It is a catch all term, Joni shake it off and get moving, I know just how you feel Jo I have bad days too. if you would do this or that it would get better, Don't name it Joni that gives it power over you." All Utter CRAP. 
 So, let me do what I always do and start at the top: "it is a catch all diagnoses" it is NOT it is well researched with more research being done every day. Before you say that it is a "catch all" I urge you, do your home work, look it up and you will see that it is real and lots of people suffer from this.
 "Shake it off and get moving" OK, in all fairness that did not seem that far off to me so I got busy, got moving and ran myself into the ground literally. I am at the point where I can't go any more. Lord I never knew what tired was, really was, till now! 
 "I know just how you feel Jo I have bad days too".. excuse me but there is no way you can know how I feel.. you just can't because you do not have my life, my body, my aches and pains.. you are not me.. I hear this one more time I will have a calf.
 "If you would do this or that it would get better" Again in fairness, I have been trying this, that and some other things. Somethings are better but as I lay here tonight to key this out I only see a bleak spot that is showing me how ignorant I really am, all I can see is how much more I have to learn.
 "Don't name it Joni, that gives it power over you"... it has a name and very real symptoms. All the praying and believing in the world has yet to change it. I have just stopped saying it because I am tired of the comments and looks but by not speaking it I have dug myself a deeper hole. If you don't let the ones you love, the ones that are suppose to love you, know that you are sick, that you are dealing with something beyond your control, if it is taboo and never brought up then they go: "Well, she must be better she never says anything any more, she never complains, she has yet to stop". It is nice on the surface to say nothing is wrong but when you look just a little deeper you will see the paint is fading and the colors are losing their luster.
 I know I need to be keeping a journal and I had great plans, but like the best laid plans of mice and men they fell to the wayside. I know I need to pace myself but my life is to hectic. I know I need to slow down but God when do I have the time.  I have learned that if I do not get enough rest, SLEEP, then I sink to a low. This is where I find myself for the last couple days, I have not gotten to rest and hence I am very low tonight.....just the thought of the busy weekend ahead and I have retreated to my bed.
 I remember in May thinking "OK fibromyalgia, I got this! Big deal I can handle this, it will NOT run my life, it will NOT define who I am, it will NOT control me". HA HA HA HA HA jokes on me. It is like a toggle switch that has been flipped and every day is different. I can't make a plan, as I would with anything else, to divide and control, when I do not know how I will feel that day till I open my eyes. I am ANGRY! ....
  Now there is a word that is not strong enough for how I feel.. I am pissed off honestly, why me? WTF did I do for this? ~shakes head~
  So to sum up, Alice was lost and had a good weep, then happy,happy she looks up and sees.. HOPE. A path that will lead her home in time for tea so she can tell Dinah all about her adventure. 
     I already see this is a process that I am going through. I knew I would but I think that I just expected to be done with it by now and all the advice that I give my husband and kids "chronic" means this will not get better in a day or week or month or year or ever.. I need to take to heart and I have not... I am coming to grips with this and I do not like it. I am angry that it seems my life has gotten turned upside down and I can't find the flip switch. 
 Knowing that a lot of this stems from exhaustion does not help much. I know that tomorrow will be a new day but I am not confident at this point that it will be a better day. 
 I feel confused because I don't know what my next step should be. I am sad because it seems like I am caught on a roller coaster that has no beginning or end with nothing but constant up and downs.
I know that I need hope to move forward, because without hope all we have is death and despair. I know that I am loved by many but tonight I do not love myself very much. At this point I am with Alice sitting on the mushroom having a good cry, soon tho, so very soon I will look up and see HOPE, a path that will lead me from wonderland and home in time for tea, with a loved one that I can share this adventure with.

Through The Looking Glass (6/25/11)

Through The Looking Glass 

"I wonder if Alice had known, that at the bottom of the rabbit hole, through the looking glass, that all she would find was a dismal barren waste land.. would she still have followed the white rabbit?"

Was my last blog question... then I came up with *after talking with Jay* another good one.... So little Miss Twit finds herself in a waste land, but she has cake that makes her grow larger, does she use it to her advantage? Oh hell no, she decides to help save people and play with cards... Now I ask you who in their right minds would do that? I would have eaten the cake and just kicked some ass in a biblical sense.
 I suppose I am showing my repressed violent streak. I think that all men, or women, have a violent streak when pushed hard enough.. or to the right spot... So let's see .. she fell down the rabbit hole, or stepped through the looking glass and did ... nothing in essence...
 This got me thinking ... is that what I have done? Have I found myself awake on the other side of the looking glass, and instead of looking out for me, I am playing cards? 
 NOT saying that we should not look out for our follow man, we all should look out for and love one another, but what I am saying is when is it OK to look out for ME? When do I get to come first? When the kids are grown and out of the house? When or if I out live Jay?
 I am not a selfish person, ask any one that knows me, but I find myself in a mood tonight, like I have been thrown down the rabbit hole instead of having fallen.... and this sucks, not in the good way!
If I do catch the white rabbit I promise I will be having rabbit and rice for dinner.
 That really does come across cynical an it really is not meant to be, I guess as I am getting older I am becoming jaded in a bad way. I have almost gotten to the point where there is NOTHING sacred any more and nothing surprises me.
 So to sum up Alice was a non-ass-kicking kind of girl and I am in an ass kicking mood. I am going to try to post a more up beat chipper kind of blog soon, and I may even venture away from a first person blog, may go for a second or 3rd person, to see how that turns out... till them ...*kisses*

Down the Rabbit Hole (6/24/11)

Down the Rabbit Hole.. 

It is a blue day for me, I am not exactly sure why, so let's articulate if we can...
I wonder if Alice had known, that at the bottom of the rabbit hole, through the looking glass, that all she would find was a dismal barren waste land.. would she still have followed the white rabbit?
  I feel like today I have fallen through the rabbit hole and hit my head on the way down. Not logical I know but when are feeling's ever logical .. really? What is really getting me is I was not even chasing the damn white rabbit today.. I think he hit me on the head and kidnapped me. (What?!?! stranger things have happened in some universe I am sure of it!)
  Maybe it is the weather, the lack of sleep, the loneliness I feel for the moment *never alone in my house but still lonely*, the conviction that this is all I have done or become thus far in my life, or maybe it is just I am in a mood and need a good drink. I would love the answer but I am betting that is it not in the cards for today. 
  I managed to get out of most of the things I had to do today, which is a good thing because (a.) I am tired and achy today, (b.) I am not the best company today so it is best if I hide I think. I still have to go to the store to get what Jami needs for her shut in tonight but I am going to beat feet back to my bed as soon as I can. 
  Yes, I think that sums it  up for a few .. I may be back later tonight and add more then again the way I feel maybe not... (I hate days like this but if you want to enjoy the rainbow, then suck it up and put up with a little rain.)

All About Alice...

Shortly after I started blogging I picked up a theme on Alice in Wonderland. She seems to have taken on a life all of her on and I have decided that she needed her own place to be. I started it as a side thing just for fun, but the more I wrote on her the more I felt I should write. So, I will be moving all of her older post here and I will be posting new things on her here. 
 Sit back and enjoy the ride because this is Where Alice Rambles...